CLAREISMS

This is a lighthearted collection of (not always) usefull things er....you should know, not everyone will appriciate these...!

1. If you can't win the arguement, shout - alot!
2. If you can't be bothered, don't.
3. Plead innocence.
4. You have the right to batter the life out of any insect that tresspasses into your home (this is a little known fact!)
5. Always hold a grudge.
6. If they don't like you, they're not worth knowing.
7. Smile at people you don't know (unless they look like a perv...in which case you should scowl!).
8. Don't read the book - watch the film.
9. Never attempt to dance at a wedding unless a vast amount of alchohol has been consumed.
10. All alchohol is good alchohol.
11. Don't be tempted to wear white trainers, you'll just look stupid.
12. Accept the fact that platforms kill your feet, but wear them anyway and complain constantly.
13. If people laugh at you it's because.......er.....I'll get back to you on that one.
14. Embrace fur fabric and cartoons, make them part of your life.
15. Never buy Cee Dees your parents like.
16. Laugh at people with mullets.
17. Candyfloss rocks - but only buy it in a bag (or there will soon be a family of insects moving in)!
18. "If it wasn't for me why was it there?"
19. "I don't know what you mean."
20. "It wasn't me!"
21. "Huh?"
22. Try not to think about the phone bill.
23. Lie as often as you can get away with it.
24. Hide your embarresing albums in a suitably dark place (under a bed or, perhaps, on top of a wardrobe).
25. Don't think concealer will hide it - it rarely does.
26. 'Discover' a band none of your friends have heard of and keep on about how good they are (even if they are really crap), and then when they (hopefully)make it big you can say "Oh, I've liked them since they started!" (if they don't you will look like a spud!).
27. Never wear blue mascara.
28. Remember that boys minds work in a strange and confusing way.
29. Like the spice girls and know their dance routiens.
30. Make sure that 70% of the stuff in your room is there purely to look pretty.
31. Never laugh when drinking coke (or similar fizzy drinks), it WILL come out your nose and you WILL look like a minger.
32. Learn to be able to punch people effectively, but claim to be a pacifist.
33. Don't take the blame - ever!
34. Never let people see when you're stressed...they love that!
35. Always be about 5 minutes late (unless its for something unchangable like a bus or interview - that would just be stupid!)).
36. Cultivate a stack of plastic bags, which serve no purpose except to take up your wardrobe.
37. Never go out with a squaddie (or anyone with a beard).
38. Have more Cee Dees than sense.
39. Blue is the new black.
40. If it looks like rain - take an umbrella!
41. If it looks like sun - take an umbrella!
42. Wear trainers religiously.
43. Rings rock, but wear too many and you will have achieved the gypsie look.
44. Same goes for large earings.
45. Beleive what you want, ignore everyone else - they all lie (except for me of course, who you must obey).
46. Never lose.
47. Love your friends.
48. Hate your enemys.
49. Play dumb - it's far easier.
50. Detest - racists, sexists, fascists, bigots and paedofiles.
51. Don't get hung over - ever, even if you were really drunk (it's a fantastic skill!).
52. Have a web page and only update it when you can be bothered.
53. Want the moon on a stick.
54. Resent Phil Collins.
55. Fear telephones.
56. Don't give away too much to people, remain mysterious.
57. Own a cyberpet, which has lived all of once (the novalty wore off, stupid beeping piece of plastic!).
58. Never keep a new years resolution.
59. Forgive people (after making them suffer).
60. Have a favourite song.
61. Learn to play guitar and suprise people when you tell them.
62. Have a change of hairstyle at least once a year, you'll get in a hair-rut otherwise.
63. While we're on the subject of hair: Never use shampoo-in dyes with bleached hair!!!
64. It may look good on Björk, but please think carefully if considering copying anything she has or wears.
65. Have a laugh.
66. If you see a camcorder...be very careful!
67. Buy stuff and realise you didn't really want it.
68. Stick up for people who aren't there (unless you don't like them, then join in!).
69. Learn to be able to blend into the background when it's called for.
70. Have no interest in gardening.
71. NEVER wear sandles, mules or sling-backs with socks.
72. Have no concept of jealousy.
73. Be ever-so-slightly schizophrenic.
74. Be clumsy and be able to whack yourself in the face.
75. Curse alarm clocks.
76. In supermarkets (particularly Tescos) be kind to checkout staff.
77. Be incapable of understanding how to drive.
78. Remember, computers CAN hear you when you shout at them, and they are very sensitive.
79. Cultivate a 'sorry' look and use it.
80. Never answer prying questions.
81. Claim to need sleep more than you do.
82. Aviod day-time Tee Vee, there's nothing on it anymore and it drives you insain.
83. If you break something, prop it up how it was and leave it so the next person who touches it thinks they broke it.
84. When you are revealed as the culprit beg forgiveness.
85. Turn it around on the other person if you can.
86. Don't tip taxis if they moan at you because THEY went to the wrong place.
87. If someone uses long words look it up secretly when you get home, and pretend you knew it.
88. Worry about Kwashiorkor (hehe! Do you see?).
89. Don't have grass, you'll only have to cut it.
90. Wish you could beleive in ghosts, UFO's, psychics and vampires but don't.
91. Obsess.
92. Have pets and love them to bits.
93. Do fake kung-fu on people and watch them laugh.
94. Don't let yourself be intimidated.
95. Learn to cook.
96. Be very afraid of clowns.
97. Give others the benifit of the doubt...
98. ..if you find out you were wrong to do this, never trust them again, and bring it up in conversation a lot hahaha!!.
99. Have a long list on your web site.
100. Never run out of things to put in your long list.
101. Be incapable of spelling and ignore people when they tell you when things are spelt wrong...revel in your errors...er...or something...
102. Insist on having loud clashing backgounds on websites even if people complain...Mwahahahahaaaaaa! They not going anywhere.

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